Sooner or later, you gotta make a move.
Tell us how you really feel, Justin Long …
I had a dream last night that I was Ginnifer Goodwin in the role reversal adaptation of He’s Just Not That Into You whereby I had to comfort Justin Long when some chick broke his heart. We were slow dancing in a park on a beautiful college campus in the fall and I was telling him how much I loved him and how we’d figure things out together when a group of four thuggish Samoan men surrounded us, mocking poor broken-hearted Justin Long for being such a cry baby. So I grabbed one of them by the shirt and yanked him toward me so our faces were inches apart. I said, “You wanna start something, motherfucker?” and punched him in the jaw. When he stumbled backward from the impact, I kicked him square in the nads and said, “Who’s next, bitches? Let’s go.” I kicked a few more balls, threw some nasty punches and when one of them tried to punch me but pulled back at the last minute, barely tapping my face, my eyes went crazy girl wide and I jumped on him like a goddamn spidermonkey, knocked him on his ass, and pounded his head into the ground. Meanwhile, Justin Long was slowly backing away, pouting, because he felt like I was emasculating him or whatever. I woke up thinking, “Shut up, Dream Justin Long! I just trounced four enormous men just so they wouldn’t hurt your feelings! And instead of saying thank you, you’re gonna act like a bitch? No wonder she wasn’t that into you.”
Andy Samberg hosting the Film Independent Spirit Awards 2013
Part two of Andy and Bert’s conversation. Andy tells bad jokes about toast, Bert is shocked about pigeon jerky, and there’s more talk of socks.